Over the course of the past 2 years, I have tried my best to understand why our life story had to include the loss of 2 daughters. The normal (according to books on grief) questions pop into my head. "Was it something I did?" "Is it because I didn't..." Knowing life just happens, the answer to those questions are very clear..."No!" I have had to settle with the fact I will never completely understand the "whys" I have been left with.
There is one "purpose" in this difficult journey I will gladly accept: reaching out to others in similar situations. I have come to realize there are families all around us who know the loss of a child. Actually, it seems like they are everywhere. Is this occurrence on the rise? Or are more people willing to share their loss openly this day and age? I tend to think the later. Whatever the case may be, it is very easy for me to connect with people who have walked a similar path as mine. These are a few connections that come to mind...
*I get regular comments from 2 families (that I am aware of) who lost children years
ago. They both sent letters telling me of their losses. I have met with one on several occasions, listening to her story and talking about the grieving process.
*In March of '07, a coworker told me of a girl in Mississippi who lost her first daughter to a placental abruption within weeks of losing Finley. We have corresponded on several occasions.
*Then there is Blake's family friend, Corey, who battled infertility for years, suffering
miscarriage after miscarriage. She became my sounding board after losing Finley. She was
able to hear all of my feelings and emotions without condemnation or judgement. She allowed me to express my anger, frustration, fear and disappointment because she understood. She was there once again when we lost Caroline.
*There are 2 girls I met at Stallworth who share the the same PAI-1 clotting disorder I have. It was reassuring to hear their plan for future pregnancies was similar to mine.
*There are 2 girls from church that have met with me on multiple occasions. One suffered multiple miscarriages and the other lost a baby shortly after birth. They have taken me to lunch just to talk. They call, email, and bring food. Anything to be supportive.
*There are 2 girls I have met through the blog. They happened upon my story "by
coincidence" and have diligently shared their lives with me, offering continual support.
One lost twin daughters during her first pregnancy. Erin The other lost a little boy around
the same time I lost Finley. She then lost a little girl near Caroline's birth and death. Shellie
*Most recently, I met a girl while waiting for an ultrasound. We had small talk about the the length of our wait. I blamed it on people like me, who had to be worked in. She was a work in as well. We see the same doctor and both love him to death. Then one of us asked the
dreaded question, "Is this your first?" (I think it was me) I am not sure why I asked it
because I hate that question myself. I have to tell the truth and I suppose my response makes
some people uncomfortable. I was surprised when her response was similar to mine. She proceeded to tell me she lost her little boy in March, right after we lost Caroline. Instant connection. Melissa
*And you have met Karen, Chad, Izzy, Max and Kate over the past few weeks. They
have been a source of encouragement during this pregnancy. We have compared notes along
the way. "Is your doctor doing this...? "How far did they tell you the babies would need to be before..."
I received an email this morning letting me know Melissa has been hospitalized. Several of my "blessings" are expecting babies within the next few months: Corey, Shellie and Melissa. All considered high risk pregnancies, they are in my thoughts and prayers throughout each day.
I sit here, 33 weeks pregnant, feeling pretty confident that we will bring home a baby boy within the next few weeks. Yet, there is a tiny part of me that cannot seem to fully believe it will happen. I don't know that I will until I hear him cry or hold him, breathing, in my arms. There is a little voice in the back of my head that knows something could still go wrong. Is it lack of faith? Maybe. Or is it simple acknowledgement of reality? Life happens and sometimes it does not turn out how we planned. It could be a little of both.
Each of my "blessings along the way" know loss well. At this time, they are all hopeful for the future. But there is still the inevitable worry, doubt, anxiety, fear and concern that all will not go as planned. It may not consume their thoughts, as it does not consume mine. But, it is there. I wanted to share these families with you. Just as I have been blessed to know them, I have been blessed by each and every prayer you have lifted on our behalf. I would ask that you remember them in the next few days, weeks and months. I want so desperately for each of our stories to be different this time. If you could pray for them as well I would so appreciate it! I don't think they would mind my asking this of you!
Daddy Daughter Dance
1 year ago