What a whirlwind the past few months of my life have been. Well, who am I kidding? It is more like the past 3 years now!! Time just seems to be passing by so quickly these days. It feels as if just last week I was confined to one of 2 couches or the bed. I was popping pills at least every 4 hours to keep Crosby tucked inside as long as possible. (I happened to find one of those pills lying under the bed earlier this week!!! Whoops, guess I missed one!) It feels like he was born a few weeks ago. That is until I see a newborn next to my chunky little man. He will be 4 months old before I know it!
I had all these plans. I remember saying to Blake, "Won't it be nice when you come home for lunch and your food is read...and the house is clean all the time...and dinner is ready when you get home..." Let's just say that hasn't happened yet. I mean, he has had lunch ready a handful of times. I usually have something in mind for dinner. And the house...well it is rarely anything but a mess. Undone.
There are so many sweet people, that have sent precious gifts. There are so many thank you notes I want to write. To tell everyone how much their love for my son means to me and how grateful we are. Undone.
There was a time when I spent at least and hour a day at the gym, 4 days a week. I said, "Once the baby comes, I am going to get to the Y and get back in shape." I haven't done the exercise programs available on demand with Comcast, right here in my own home. Much less drive 1 mile to the Y. Undone.
When I was at my spiritual low, I recall thinking I would get my act in gear once life calmed down. Once the baby was here, safely in my arms. It would be easy then. Easy to pray. Easy to read. I would have all this time I sit in the Word. I am embarrassed and ashamed to say I have gone to bed without praying for one of the most precious gifts I have ever been given. I have hardly cracked the Bible. Undone.
Life feels pretty chaotic, with a "to do" list a mile long. Things keep being added to the bottom but nothing is being marked off the top. I am tired of feeling behind, late, unorganized and cluttered. I am tired of a shallow faith. I am tired of feeling undone.
As I sat in the pew on Resurrection Sunday, I could not help but get chills as songs were sung, videos were played, prayers were spoken and scripture read. I have been saved, by grace. It is not about what I do or how well I do it. It is about Christ. He died a cruel death, was buried in a tomb and then rose from that grave for a poor, lost sinner like me. Such a gift that I do not deserve. Done.
I am fortunate enough to have women in my life that overflow with love for our Lord. You have had the privilege of reading comments from a few of them!!! And before they do, let me say they will boldly state that it is not them we see, but Christ IN them. It is so obvious that is the case. That is what I want. Not because I need to earn my salvation. That has been done. And though it is not about what I do or how well I do it, I want to do it and do it well because the Holy Spirit has filled every inch of my being and is overflowing from within. I don't want Him to be confined to a portion of me that is accessed when I remember. I don't want to think about reading my Bible. I want it to happen. I don't want to remind myself to pray. I want to pray continually. In light of what Christ has done for me, I owe Him my heart 100%. Not a measly 5% here and there.
I am struggling to find balance right now and I desperately want it. I want to be a good wife and mother. That can't happen without major changes in my daily life. How do I get there? Where do I even start? All I know is I have a really long way to go. I thought I would ask for a little prayer along the way. And a little accountability never hurt anyone! I know I will never be "done" from a spiritual standpoint. But I am tired of floating around with things undone, that is for sure!
Daddy Daughter Dance
2 years ago