Sunday, April 12, 2009

Undone

What a whirlwind the past few months of my life have been. Well, who am I kidding? It is more like the past 3 years now!! Time just seems to be passing by so quickly these days. It feels as if just last week I was confined to one of 2 couches or the bed. I was popping pills at least every 4 hours to keep Crosby tucked inside as long as possible. (I happened to find one of those pills lying under the bed earlier this week!!! Whoops, guess I missed one!) It feels like he was born a few weeks ago. That is until I see a newborn next to my chunky little man. He will be 4 months old before I know it!

I had all these plans. I remember saying to Blake, "Won't it be nice when you come home for lunch and your food is read...and the house is clean all the time...and dinner is ready when you get home..." Let's just say that hasn't happened yet. I mean, he has had lunch ready a handful of times. I usually have something in mind for dinner. And the house...well it is rarely anything but a mess. Undone.

There are so many sweet people, that have sent precious gifts. There are so many thank you notes I want to write. To tell everyone how much their love for my son means to me and how grateful we are. Undone.

There was a time when I spent at least and hour a day at the gym, 4 days a week. I said, "Once the baby comes, I am going to get to the Y and get back in shape." I haven't done the exercise programs available on demand with Comcast, right here in my own home. Much less drive 1 mile to the Y. Undone.

When I was at my spiritual low, I recall thinking I would get my act in gear once life calmed down. Once the baby was here, safely in my arms. It would be easy then. Easy to pray. Easy to read. I would have all this time I sit in the Word. I am embarrassed and ashamed to say I have gone to bed without praying for one of the most precious gifts I have ever been given. I have hardly cracked the Bible. Undone.

Life feels pretty chaotic, with a "to do" list a mile long. Things keep being added to the bottom but nothing is being marked off the top. I am tired of feeling behind, late, unorganized and cluttered. I am tired of a shallow faith. I am tired of feeling undone.

As I sat in the pew on Resurrection Sunday, I could not help but get chills as songs were sung, videos were played, prayers were spoken and scripture read. I have been saved, by grace. It is not about what I do or how well I do it. It is about Christ. He died a cruel death, was buried in a tomb and then rose from that grave for a poor, lost sinner like me. Such a gift that I do not deserve. Done.

I am fortunate enough to have women in my life that overflow with love for our Lord. You have had the privilege of reading comments from a few of them!!! And before they do, let me say they will boldly state that it is not them we see, but Christ IN them. It is so obvious that is the case. That is what I want. Not because I need to earn my salvation. That has been done. And though it is not about what I do or how well I do it, I want to do it and do it well because the Holy Spirit has filled every inch of my being and is overflowing from within. I don't want Him to be confined to a portion of me that is accessed when I remember. I don't want to think about reading my Bible. I want it to happen. I don't want to remind myself to pray. I want to pray continually. In light of what Christ has done for me, I owe Him my heart 100%. Not a measly 5% here and there.

I am struggling to find balance right now and I desperately want it. I want to be a good wife and mother. That can't happen without major changes in my daily life. How do I get there? Where do I even start? All I know is I have a really long way to go. I thought I would ask for a little prayer along the way. And a little accountability never hurt anyone! I know I will never be "done" from a spiritual standpoint. But I am tired of floating around with things undone, that is for sure!

8 comments:

Steve and Leslie said...

Wow Danielle, after reading a few entries from your blog, you are seriously one of the most amazing people and truely inspirational! Looks like you have been through so much the last couple of years, and yet your courage and attitude is amazing! I'm sure you are touching many lives!

Carla said...

You put into words the way most of us probably feel all the time. I want to be better too...thanks for the motivation & we can encourage one another. :)

bettie gobble said...

danielle...want to spend some time hearing from the Lord what he would have me say to you...know until then i'm always praying for you and sometimes the best and dearest prayer to the Lord is "help"! He knows our hearts...and it thrills Him when we want more of Him! love, bettie

Dottie said...

Danielle, I look forward to reading your blog. I love keeping up with you and Crosby. Your writing is a blessing to me and I am sure so many others. I love you! Aunt Dot

Melissa said...

You have inspired me today. Thank you for writing such an amazing entry. My life feels totally "undone" lately, yet comepletely whole and wonderful at the same time. The Lord has blessed me with your friendship, and it is so nice to have someone to relate to in this journey. Love, Melissa

Anonymous said...

I agree with what Carla said, "You put into words the way most of us feel all the time." My children are 21 and 25 and that is still true.....I'm still trying to find that balance.....we think we should be able to do it all, all the time. I'm on the other end of the spectrum with parents who need help at 90 and 91. You are a great inspiration.... you are keenly aware that you want more of Him as you move through your day.
You are so honest and are asking the Lord for help....I have always noticed that when I asked the Lord
for help in these areas, time became a lot more abundant! You and your writing are just amazing
and I have never once heard you say that you are tired!!!! That is really amazing!
Love, Ginny

Kristen Brown said...

Oh, Danielle, hang on sweet Mommy. The four month stretch is the hardest in my opinion. Four months is when you BEGIN to come out of the fog. It only gets easier, he begins to sit, he begins to play, he crawls, he eats in his highchair, he walks... I know that YOU are ready, it will come. Your time will come. You will get it together, and then there will be times again, when you wonder if you will EVER get it together. Just let the wave of life take you where God has planned for you from the beginning. You will make it!

Anonymous said...

How were you able to say the thoughts that I have in my head all the time? Are you spying on me? Seriously, I beleive you summed up what so many of us feel the majority of the time. But, thank the Lord, I believe He enjoys good intentions just as well as follow through sometimes! That means His spirit is working! I can't imagine what it would mean to NOT feel that! It's a journey, huh? You are right, though, lots of great ladies to mirror if we can and will! And lots of amazing people who went before us to show us an easier way. But don't ever forget, sometimes God commands us to be quiet and listen. That's a hard one fore me, but maybe that is where He wants you right now....quiet with your son and listening for what's next. Love you, jill