Composure

I lost it somewhere around 3:15 am this morning (1-1-09). I cannot specifically say what brought it on, but the tears started pouring. They have continued on and off throughout the day.

Everyone asks who he looks like. We go back and forth, giving Blake most of the credit. And then there are several of us who think he looks like my brother at times. Not sure how that happened! There is one face few had the opportunity to know. It is the face of a little girl that was born 10 months and 1 day before her brother. Crosby looks so much like his big sister, Caroline. I see it. Blake sees it. Caroline's NICU nurse, Danielle, also sees Caroline when she looks at this baby boy. She and Finley have been on our minds...

We walked into the NICU to be with Crosby this morning. The room with an isolette next to his was quiet. The lights were dim and the curtain was pulled. People were in and out, speaking in hushed tones. I looked at the monitor and saw Crosby's heart rate and respiration. But his neighbors vitals were no longer displayed. Then I saw the nurse holding the quilted blanket and handmade gown. They were similar to those given to Finley and Caroline. It confirmed what we knew. Crosby's neighbor had been promoted to heaven. Blake and I were overcome with emotion. The pain of loss as fresh as ever. Our hearts aching for that family as they start their journey of grief. Their New Year began with utter despair.

Blake held Crosby a little tighter. I scooted my chair a little closer, making sure I could touch both of my boys. I said a prayer of hope for that family, followed by a prayer of thanksgiving for our son. There is hope. Miracles do happen. Joy can follow sorrow. We are proof. I pray that family knows our God and can trust He is good.

Emotions ripe, we were informed that Crosby's bilirubin levels had indeed increased, from 9.7 to 14. There would be no rooming in. He would need to be under the bili lights at least 24 to 48 hours. Like every other day, a kink was thrown into the plan. We make progress in one area and then another small issue pops up. He will likely remain in the NICU through the weekend, maybe coming home Sunday. Who knows, it he could be sooner or it could be later. One day at a time.

It was hard to get in the car and drive away this afternoon. I had to keep reminding myself that our story has changed. We aren't leaving empty handed for long. We will have a baby with us very soon.

We went back to see him around 8:30 this evening. On a difficult day, we were blessed with a wonderful visit. Crosby was wide awake when we arrived. He appeared to enjoy being out of his swaddle, as they were having to chase him all over the isolette, attempting to keep him under the light! He was nice and warm, with a great body temperature. His rooting reflex was in full force and he ate like a champ. It was precious to see him follow our voices with his eyes. He even tracked Blake as he came into the room. This was the most alert we have ever seen him. It makes me smile just thinking about it. God knew we needed encouragement tonight as we prepare to sleep away from him. Thank you for that blessing.

I think I will say good night. Morning will be here before I know it if I just close my eyes! I can't wait to see those blue eyes again...