Thursday, January 1, 2009

Composure

I lost it somewhere around 3:15 am this morning (1-1-09). I cannot specifically say what brought it on, but the tears started pouring. They have continued on and off throughout the day.

Everyone asks who he looks like. We go back and forth, giving Blake most of the credit. And then there are several of us who think he looks like my brother at times. Not sure how that happened! There is one face few had the opportunity to know. It is the face of a little girl that was born 10 months and 1 day before her brother. Crosby looks so much like his big sister, Caroline. I see it. Blake sees it. Caroline's NICU nurse, Danielle, also sees Caroline when she looks at this baby boy. She and Finley have been on our minds...

We walked into the NICU to be with Crosby this morning. The room with an isolette next to his was quiet. The lights were dim and the curtain was pulled. People were in and out, speaking in hushed tones. I looked at the monitor and saw Crosby's heart rate and respiration. But his neighbors vitals were no longer displayed. Then I saw the nurse holding the quilted blanket and handmade gown. They were similar to those given to Finley and Caroline. It confirmed what we knew. Crosby's neighbor had been promoted to heaven. Blake and I were overcome with emotion. The pain of loss as fresh as ever. Our hearts aching for that family as they start their journey of grief. Their New Year began with utter despair.

Blake held Crosby a little tighter. I scooted my chair a little closer, making sure I could touch both of my boys. I said a prayer of hope for that family, followed by a prayer of thanksgiving for our son. There is hope. Miracles do happen. Joy can follow sorrow. We are proof. I pray that family knows our God and can trust He is good.

Emotions ripe, we were informed that Crosby's bilirubin levels had indeed increased, from 9.7 to 14. There would be no rooming in. He would need to be under the bili lights at least 24 to 48 hours. Like every other day, a kink was thrown into the plan. We make progress in one area and then another small issue pops up. He will likely remain in the NICU through the weekend, maybe coming home Sunday. Who knows, it he could be sooner or it could be later. One day at a time.

It was hard to get in the car and drive away this afternoon. I had to keep reminding myself that our story has changed. We aren't leaving empty handed for long. We will have a baby with us very soon.

We went back to see him around 8:30 this evening. On a difficult day, we were blessed with a wonderful visit. Crosby was wide awake when we arrived. He appeared to enjoy being out of his swaddle, as they were having to chase him all over the isolette, attempting to keep him under the light! He was nice and warm, with a great body temperature. His rooting reflex was in full force and he ate like a champ. It was precious to see him follow our voices with his eyes. He even tracked Blake as he came into the room. This was the most alert we have ever seen him. It makes me smile just thinking about it. God knew we needed encouragement tonight as we prepare to sleep away from him. Thank you for that blessing.

I think I will say good night. Morning will be here before I know it if I just close my eyes! I can't wait to see those blue eyes again...

8 comments:

jaime s said...

What powerful words you share! Your testimony and faith continue to amaze me. God bless you both for the road you've traveled and the beautiful way you are CHOOSING to use that road as a way to bring glory back to Him. In the darkness of that road, you bring much light!

Praying for you and baby Crosby still and now that precious family grieving thier loss.

Brandie said...

Praying that baby Crosby gets to go home with his mom and dad very soon. He is absolutely precious.

Kristen Brown said...

Danielle,
First of all I was overjoyed when I pulled up your blog on Tuesday and saw a beautiful and healthy baby boy! God's redemptive blessings do abound! Your empathy for the grieving family is heart-touching, truly you understand their loss and pain. I have assumed that Caroline and Finley were close to your hearts and minds the last several days, embrace those emotions and let their memories comfort you and Blake. Memories and hope are two of my favorite things that God gives us. I remember coming to encourage you at church that Easter morning after you had lost Finley. I was hesitant because I had my baby with me at the time but I wanted to give you the words of the blessings of hope. I too have lost babies and I too have had babies that have now grown into children and you said it so well, joy DOES follow sorrow. That is my new wish for you all, a full life of joy with this new and precious son. He will be home soon, to be loved on by two parents that can only love him more with each passing day. Lovingly, Kristen Brown
PS Every mommy needs a good cry in those days following delivery. Don't we love those postpartum hormones! :)

Carla and Daryl said...

this is a very moving desription of what your day was like today in the hospital with crosby. i know it brought back every emotion you felt almost a year ago seeing the other parent's tragedy (as if you needed reminding...i know it is very fresh still) and then seeing caroline's face in crosby's must have been circling in your mind constantly since first laying your eyes on your new son. i think it is inevitable that one day crosby is going to ask about his other siblings and wonder what they look like and you will get to tell him caroline shared his looks so much. i think that is very special.

Karen Nikazy said...

Reading your post today brought so many of those same emotions of the NICU back to me - and the tears have been rolling ever since. I am overjoyed for you and Blake and Crosby, and am praying for the comfort for the family next to you. My heart is comforted by the fact that I know the doctors and nurses that are there are the most loving and caring people we have ever met. Danielle was also our nurse much of the time Max and Kate were there, and was with us the day they were discharged. She is such an angel. And I know that your two angels live on through Crosby - his face says it all!

Adrian said...

Yes, what powerful words.... and a ministry for you and Blake. Life's troubles... turned into helping others. Sounds like a scripture to me.

Crichton said...

We are praying for your little boy to make it home soon.

I am not sure if you realized that family you spoke of is from columbia, it was my cousins child.

stance. said...

Lance and I are so blessed to watch this miracle. Thank you for constantly sharing your heart and your feelings with us because it is amazing to see. We are still praying for you and I gotta tell you, I can't wait to meet this little man!!