Monday, April 4, 2011

Mondays with Crosby


At 11:24 am, Crosby Fox turned 2 years and 14 weeks old!!! At 3:00 pm, his big sister, Finley Grace, would have been 4 years old.  Four.  It blows my mind.  Had she lived, had I carried her to term, we would have a 3 and a half year  old daughter, sleeping in her bed right now.  I can hardly picture it...our family with a little girl in the mix.  
I had plans to visit the place where her physical body now rests.  Crosby and I were going to take pink roses and sing "Happy Birthday".  Maybe even release two balloons for both girls.  Much like 4 years ago, things did not got as planned.  
Today's weather was eerily similar to April 3, 2007.  There were terrible storms the night we drove in to Baptist.  Storms that now seem calm when compared to the turmoil that was occurring within my body.  I knew it wasn't good.  But I never dreamed just how BAD it was.  The doctors would stop the contractions and we would go home.  Eventually we did go home.  Belly flabby and deflated.  Arms empty.  Heart broken. 
I was hoping for a sunny day.  One that would keep me from sitting and thinking.  With power out and silence filling the air, all I could do was reflect on this day, four years ago. Remembering every detail from 6:30 pm April 3rd forward.  Who I was talking to when I realized something was going on.  Where Blake was driving from.  The ride to the hospital with seat laid back.  Water breaking at the registration desk.  Being wheeled from room to room, no one knowing what to do with me.  The "other" doctor standing at the foot of my bed, telling me she was not viable and she would not live.  My doctor rushing to my side minutes later, full of sorrow, gently attempting to prepare me for what would come.  Hearing her heart beat.  Seeing her moving on ultrasound one last time.  Feeling her move, wondering if it would be the last kick.  The nod from the nurse, confirming her heart indeed had stopped.  Waiting.  Waiting to deliver my child and knowing that it would be the first and last time I would see her.  
I didn't really want to go there today.  I just wanted to have a sweet day of remembrance without lots of emotion or sorrow.  Today it was something I wasn't able to avoid.  I missed her today. I reflected.  I thought. I wished I had been given to the opportunity to be her mother.  I wished she were here. I wished...
Then I looked down at the blonde haired boy lying in my lap as the wind whipped and the thunder roared.  Changing the outcome of April 4th, 2007 would likely mean a world without my precious boy.  It is tricky to wish.  Though I will never understand why our story had to include losing Finley and Caroline,  I am so grateful Crosby was part of the plan.  It is because of Finley and Caroline that I love him the way I do.  What a precious gift my girls gave me.  I pray I never forget.
Happy Birthday, Sweet Finley.  You are missed.  You are loved.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing that Danielle! God works miracles in so many ways we can't imagine and I just have to believe it's all for a better cause. I believe one can't ask what if, we are happy for what is.......Crosby is gorgeous and you are so lucky in so many ways. Congrats on being such a wonderfully mommy and woman! You will always be my favorite "Independent Woman"!

Anne Hamilton said...

Tears sprung to my eyes as I read your post. Thank you for being the best mom to your little boy and to your girls. Remembering them and sharing them with us is such a good way to honor their short lives. Praying for blessings and comfort this day and every day, friend.

Jessica said...

Remembering and loving them always! Isn't it weird how you think you've got a hold on the emotions and then one day they just spring back so strong! I know we will never understand! But know we think about them all of the time! Never forgotten!

keLi said...

"it is tricky to wish."

mm-hmm, sister, to that line. how limited our view -- and oh, the joys that await us, where they are.

peace to you, friend.

Melissa said...

Love you, dear friend! Reflection is good and healthy. It puts so much in perspective. I think we will always wonder about our little angels. I hope it brings comfort knowing that we will hold them again one day.
Thinking about you and sweet Finley. What a special gift! Love, Melissa

Jill Fields said...

Oh, Danielle, you are precious. Finley is precious. Caroline is precious. Crosby is precious. The song "Precious Memories" fills my head, and tears fill my eyes. These memories may not be considered precious to some, but to a Mommy, they are. We love you, your girls, your boy!

Matt and Shelley said...

I thought about her all day on Monday, even in the midst of the tornado warning in Waverly! I still remember the afternoon where we were sitting in our OT office and Finley was flipping around and around. We both were amazed at how much we could feel and see her moving! She is loved...her framed footprints remain on our shelf ( I am looking at them now, so tiny and precious). Love you so!

Sarah said...

Thank you for sharing this so that we can remember Finley with you! Love you, friend!