At 11:24 am, Crosby Fox turned 2 years and 14 weeks old!!! At 3:00 pm, his big sister, Finley Grace, would have been 4 years old. Four. It blows my mind. Had she lived, had I carried her to term, we would have a 3 and a half year old daughter, sleeping in her bed right now. I can hardly picture it...our family with a little girl in the mix.
I had plans to visit the place where her physical body now rests. Crosby and I were going to take pink roses and sing "Happy Birthday". Maybe even release two balloons for both girls. Much like 4 years ago, things did not got as planned.
Today's weather was eerily similar to April 3, 2007. There were terrible storms the night we drove in to Baptist. Storms that now seem calm when compared to the turmoil that was occurring within my body. I knew it wasn't good. But I never dreamed just how BAD it was. The doctors would stop the contractions and we would go home. Eventually we did go home. Belly flabby and deflated. Arms empty. Heart broken.
I was hoping for a sunny day. One that would keep me from sitting and thinking. With power out and silence filling the air, all I could do was reflect on this day, four years ago. Remembering every detail from 6:30 pm April 3rd forward. Who I was talking to when I realized something was going on. Where Blake was driving from. The ride to the hospital with seat laid back. Water breaking at the registration desk. Being wheeled from room to room, no one knowing what to do with me. The "other" doctor standing at the foot of my bed, telling me she was not viable and she would not live. My doctor rushing to my side minutes later, full of sorrow, gently attempting to prepare me for what would come. Hearing her heart beat. Seeing her moving on ultrasound one last time. Feeling her move, wondering if it would be the last kick. The nod from the nurse, confirming her heart indeed had stopped. Waiting. Waiting to deliver my child and knowing that it would be the first and last time I would see her.
I didn't really want to go there today. I just wanted to have a sweet day of remembrance without lots of emotion or sorrow. Today it was something I wasn't able to avoid. I missed her today. I reflected. I thought. I wished I had been given to the opportunity to be her mother. I wished she were here. I wished...
Then I looked down at the blonde haired boy lying in my lap as the wind whipped and the thunder roared. Changing the outcome of April 4th, 2007 would likely mean a world without my precious boy. It is tricky to wish. Though I will never understand why our story had to include losing Finley and Caroline, I am so grateful Crosby was part of the plan. It is because of Finley and Caroline that I love him the way I do. What a precious gift my girls gave me. I pray I never forget.
Happy Birthday, Sweet Finley. You are missed. You are loved.