Frozen

This is what I was working on before drama struck...again.

There are a lot of words to say. But for some reason, I am having a hard time making any sense of them. I have been keeping it inside for so long that it is difficult to actually let it out. I feel safe with the details of our life hidden in the confines of our home (and with a few other people). At least that is the lie I have been telling myself for a while now. Bottom line, I don't feel safe and I need a net in which it is safe to fall.

People ask how I am doing, how we are doing in reference to the loss of Caroline. To be honest, I have no idea. Though it has almost been 6 months since we lost her, I haven't had time toprocess the whole situation. I was simply trying to get on my feet and face the world in March and April. But by May, our world was turned upside down. We found ourselves in the middle of a game we were not ready to play. I stood in the bathroom around 10:00pm on Wednesday the 21st of May, sobbing, as my concern became reality. I am pregnant, again.

It feels like there are a million strikes against this baby. First and foremost, he is growing in a very hostile environment. He was conceived a month before it was recommended due to increased risk of preterm labor. Then, like clockwork, I had experienced the infamous early bleed, again. Because I have yet to post the "Caroline" chapter, you may or may not know the doctors feel a similar bleed during her pregnancy played a large role in her preterm birth. The only way I could increase my risk of preterm labor at this point is to start smoking/taking drugs and to be physically abused. I already meet most of the other "requirements."

Steps are being taken to prevent preterm labor, mainly progesterone injections and activity restriction at this point. However at 17 weeks and 1 day, I have been having contractions, almost daily, for a while now. I desperately want to believe "the third time is the charm". Yet, I am stuck feeling it's "3 strikes and your out". It is apparent my body does not like pregnancy despite what my heart and head feel and think. I want this little guy to be here with us on this earth. I want to know what it is like to come home with a baby in my arms; living, breathing, crying. I want to experience motherhood and want Blake to feel like a true father. I want, I want, I want... It terrifies me to think that my wants are not in keeping with the ultimate plan for our lives. With each passing day, it feels as if our desires are just our own.

I learned this news at a time when I was beginning to feel a slight spiritual lift from losing Caroline. Initially, I was able to believe, "This was not our plan...this was His timing...this was supposed to happen this way." But now, I am struggling to believe. I have read blog after blog of girls who have lost babies in the past 2 years. Their love for our Lord is so apparent and they praise Him constantly in their writing. I am envious for their level of faith and reliance on Him. It feels as though I am suffering spiritual paralysis. I can't move. I am stuck. I can't pray. I don't feel my God right now. Yes, I know He is there. His Word says He will not foresake me or leave me. But my faith is at an all time low and I am frozen. The future terrifies me. I only know what it is like to lose a baby. Can I survive losing another baby? Will I have the strength to pick myself off the ground and follow my Lord despite the outcome of this pregnancy?