Monday, August 25, 2008

Frozen

This is what I was working on before drama struck...again.

There are a lot of words to say. But for some reason, I am having a hard time making any sense of them. I have been keeping it inside for so long that it is difficult to actually let it out. I feel safe with the details of our life hidden in the confines of our home (and with a few other people). At least that is the lie I have been telling myself for a while now. Bottom line, I don't feel safe and I need a net in which it is safe to fall.

People ask how I am doing, how we are doing in reference to the loss of Caroline. To be honest, I have no idea. Though it has almost been 6 months since we lost her, I haven't had time toprocess the whole situation. I was simply trying to get on my feet and face the world in March and April. But by May, our world was turned upside down. We found ourselves in the middle of a game we were not ready to play. I stood in the bathroom around 10:00pm on Wednesday the 21st of May, sobbing, as my concern became reality. I am pregnant, again.

It feels like there are a million strikes against this baby. First and foremost, he is growing in a very hostile environment. He was conceived a month before it was recommended due to increased risk of preterm labor. Then, like clockwork, I had experienced the infamous early bleed, again. Because I have yet to post the "Caroline" chapter, you may or may not know the doctors feel a similar bleed during her pregnancy played a large role in her preterm birth. The only way I could increase my risk of preterm labor at this point is to start smoking/taking drugs and to be physically abused. I already meet most of the other "requirements."

Steps are being taken to prevent preterm labor, mainly progesterone injections and activity restriction at this point. However at 17 weeks and 1 day, I have been having contractions, almost daily, for a while now. I desperately want to believe "the third time is the charm". Yet, I am stuck feeling it's "3 strikes and your out". It is apparent my body does not like pregnancy despite what my heart and head feel and think. I want this little guy to be here with us on this earth. I want to know what it is like to come home with a baby in my arms; living, breathing, crying. I want to experience motherhood and want Blake to feel like a true father. I want, I want, I want... It terrifies me to think that my wants are not in keeping with the ultimate plan for our lives. With each passing day, it feels as if our desires are just our own.

I learned this news at a time when I was beginning to feel a slight spiritual lift from losing Caroline. Initially, I was able to believe, "This was not our plan...this was His timing...this was supposed to happen this way." But now, I am struggling to believe. I have read blog after blog of girls who have lost babies in the past 2 years. Their love for our Lord is so apparent and they praise Him constantly in their writing. I am envious for their level of faith and reliance on Him. It feels as though I am suffering spiritual paralysis. I can't move. I am stuck. I can't pray. I don't feel my God right now. Yes, I know He is there. His Word says He will not foresake me or leave me. But my faith is at an all time low and I am frozen. The future terrifies me. I only know what it is like to lose a baby. Can I survive losing another baby? Will I have the strength to pick myself off the ground and follow my Lord despite the outcome of this pregnancy?

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are all 3 in our prayers.

cherri lord said...

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I know how difficult it is...I have been there (I have had preterm loss also). Trust in God and he will carry you.

CarolynSue said...

Danielle & Blake - I have been extremely slow at reading your blog, because even at 56 years of age I have no magic words of wisdom. I do know that you are in my thoughts & prayers constantly, and I am only a phone call away. love you - Carolyn Whitehead

Anonymous said...

Oh, Danielle, I am broken for you. I want, I want, I want...those words are pure and true of a mother's desires for her children...don't ever belive that your wants are in vain or some type of greed. You are simply in desperate desire for your heart's authentic craving. There are so many times in my life that I have felt spiritually frozen just as you described. It is a horrible place, and there is NO shame in admitting that. Let all of your friends do your praying right now! We are strong enough to do what you simply can't! That is what the "church" is suppossed to be about. I KNOW that God handles all paralysis and is hurting with you right now! Jill

Anonymous said...

My daughter-in-law e-mailed me your blog. I am so sorry for the trials you have experienced. Pleae know that you and your family will be added to our Corps prayer list and that I am praying for you as I am writing this comment to you. I do not know you personally but God has put a very genuine love in my heart for you and your sorrow and pain. Words really cannot express enough to make you feel better but just know that my prayer is that God will wrap you in His loving arms and give you comfort and that He will sustain you through this. God bless.

Anonymous said...

Danielle, Hang in there....We are all praying and we have the "prayer warriors" at our church lifting you up constantly. God bless the three of you.
Love, Ginny and Dale

stance. said...

You can fall here, Danielle. It is our job to pick you up, hold you up and stand for you when you can't. We are praying for you and Blake and your son.

kaycee said...

Danielle-
Thinking of you.
Praying for you, too.

BCDC said...

I pray for you every chance I get, Danielle and Blake. I do not know you but feel as if I do thru Corey. So many people are praying for you. You have no idea the impact of your story and words. Keep your head high and give your anxieties to Him.

Much love,
Dawn from Bham

1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you

James 1:2-4 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

Jennifer Hicks said...

Hey Danielle and Blake. I am thrilled that God has blessed you with a boy this time. I understand, as few can, how impossible it is to hope for him to survive and be born healthy and alive right now. My prayers are with you. I encourage you to take one day at a time. Today, he is alive. Today, you are doing everything you can to take care of him and take care of yourself. Today, you are loved and being lifted up in prayer on the wings of warrior angels. While I know it is painful and nearly impossible to hope, as others have offered to pray for you when you can't, I offer to hope for you and for your son when the future seems so hopeless. I won't offer you platitudes of faith that only magnify feelings of doubt. I am simply going to hope and trust in God today that he will bless you and Blake with a healthy baby boy. One day at a time is all any of us can handle. I'll be watching the blog for any news. Thank you for sharing from your heart. Love, Jennifer H

Laura said...

Faith of a mustard seed, Danielle. You have gone through more in the last few months than most people go through in a lifetime. I can't begin to understand your pain. I just pray that you can feel the love of so many people (some you probably don't even know) rallying around you right now.

Even through unbelief, God can work miracles for His glory. We have to believe at least that. I worship him now in the middle of the day because of your testimony. I think of you every day. You are a stronger woman than I.

Love, Laura

Christy said...

Prayers are being said and warm thoughts go out to your family during this struggle. I can't begin to understand, but I'm hopeful for you and your family. Your extended OC family is praying

Rachel said...

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Out on the ocean sailing away
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll both just have to be patient
'cause it's a long way to go
A hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go
But in the meantime

Before you cross the street
Take my hand
Life is what happens to you
While you're busy making other plans

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
- John Lennon

Adrian Freeman said...

Danielle:
I understand your issues with prayer. I have them too. The things that are happening in your life are not a weighing of your spirituality, your salvation, your one-ness with God, where you are in the Kingdom or anything like that. They are just life.... maybe at its worst for you.

Now, I pray less for things and wants, healings, and more for praising Him. I believe bad things happen to Christians. It would be so easy to be a Christian if we never saw death around us, if our marriages never struggled, if all our children became faithful followers of Him, if we never saw financial ruin, if, if, if...

I have come to this: If it is good it is from God; if it is bad it is from Satan. My job is to try to tell the difference.

We live in a fallen world where Satan is "roaming" and seeking those he can defeat. Our days of ease are few, thanks to Satan. But we can cherish the few we have and honor him for the good we do have. We were made for eternity.

There is a scripture that goes something like this; "In everything give thanks." I think we misunderstand this to mean that we are to give thanks for everything that happens to us, because, I guess, there is some good to come from it. Now I believe it should say, "Give thanks for the things to be thankful for." We don't have to give thanks for the bad things, for they come from Satan or our own sinful nature. It doesn't say "Give thanks for everything that happens to you." Thank goodness. I can't do that. But I can give thanks for the good things (if it is good, it is from God) that are in my life.

Life is very hard. You are learning it very young without much of a honey moon from it. The day will come, whether soon or later that you have your baby or babies to love. I believe that. I feel it.

Faith comes, not in the bright sunlight when miles ahead can be seen, rather when the fog is too thick to see a foot ahead. The good news is, eventually your faith will win. Perserverance girl.

You are loved by many; you are loved by the One that matters.

Adrian