Dynamics

I am not going to make you wait a full week! :) I am on the ball today and ready to give the latest report. Today was fairly uneventful. The appointment went well with no changes in the current plan of care. I am still on bedrest and am taking medicine as needed for contractions. This past week, I may have taken 1 pill on 4 out of 7 days. To be honest, I am not really sure when I took it. If you can't tell, I am trying to put less focus on how often I have to take them. For whatever reason, my brain still likes to interpret taking a pill as a "failure," of some sort. Absurd, I know! At least I am still able to distinguish an irrational thought from a rational one. That is one positive for my mental state anyway!

During the ultrasound, we got to see exactly how my body is responding to contractions. Initially I measured around 3.6 cm/36mm. Then, my uterus balled up into a knot, as it frequently does, and the measurement dropped to 2.5ish cm/25mm. Once the contraction faded, my cervix lengthened back into the 3's. The technician was very amazed at this occurrence. We could hear her sharing my cervical story with another technician when we were leaving. I feel so honored!

A few weeks ago, I would have been a nervous wreck walking out of that office having seen those numbers. Not the case today. My guess...what we saw on the screen happens numerous times during any given day. All it did was further validate the fact that I do not have an incompetent cervix. It is holding strong despite frequent and strong contractions. So that is a positive. On the flip side, the contractions do change my cervix, even if only for a short time. We need to keep them under control so they don't push me over the threshold. ***Just a disclaimer...this paragraph is nothing but me interpreting what we saw and learned from today. But for the record, I am pretty sure Dr. B would agree with all of it. And Dr. Malone if that counts for anything?!?

So, bottom line. Still contracting daily, some pretty strong. But when I have 4 or more strong ones in an hour, I take a pill. Then I don't really talk about taking the pill because I am trying to play mind games with myself!!! My main prayer request is that I can continue to manage the contractions with meds at home. (I would also take it if they just stopped completely for an extended period of time but I don't want to sound too greedy...) And of course I want my cervix to keep up the good work!

To change the subject a bit. Physically, things are good. From a mental and emotional standpoint, I am also doing well. Sounds good in and of itself, right? Maybe. But, I find myself becoming "comfortable" again and that is not a place I really want to be. I'll try to explain.

Most people, including myself, have prayed for peace, faith, strength, hope, etc. for our family during this time. I do want to experience all the above and have on many occasions. Truth be known, I do not sit/lie around here stressed out and worrying all day long. I feel okay most of the time. However, that is where things get a little scary for me. There is fear in "comfort." Some days, I get so relaxed that I let my mind drift off in to the future and think..."this could really work...we could have a baby boy...I might need a car seat..." so on and so forth. This happened to me last time. Just when I started feeling confident we would have a little girl this summer, the rug was pulled out from under me. I opened my heart to the possibilities only to have it crushed once again. I SWORE I would not do that again. Slowly, but surely, I am doing it. With every good report, my guard drops a little. And who knows why. It is still very early. I am by no means "out of the woods." Technically, I am not even in the woods because we have yet to reach, my favorite word, viability.

What am I saying and why am I bothering to say it? Heck if I even know. I guess, I am struggling to find balance. When people call to talk and the future comes up, I tend to preface my sentences with one word, "if." "If we make it...if we have a baby..." Forgive me for sounding negative or pessimistic. It is only a useless attempt to protect myself from hurt and pain again. (which I already know it is ineffective) I feel safe when I use the "one day at a time" approach. That is biblical! And I am trying to work on my spiritual life!

Like my dynamic cervix (as it has been termed on several occasions) so it this post: all over the place! Sorry, to drag you through it all but this is what was on my mind today. It feels good to get it out. I will spare you with more for now but will try to post BEFORE next week. I have a few pathetic posts I have been saving up...

I feel like I exceeded the limit for use of parenthesis and quotation marks in one post...