Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Dynamics

I am not going to make you wait a full week! :) I am on the ball today and ready to give the latest report. Today was fairly uneventful. The appointment went well with no changes in the current plan of care. I am still on bedrest and am taking medicine as needed for contractions. This past week, I may have taken 1 pill on 4 out of 7 days. To be honest, I am not really sure when I took it. If you can't tell, I am trying to put less focus on how often I have to take them. For whatever reason, my brain still likes to interpret taking a pill as a "failure," of some sort. Absurd, I know! At least I am still able to distinguish an irrational thought from a rational one. That is one positive for my mental state anyway!

During the ultrasound, we got to see exactly how my body is responding to contractions. Initially I measured around 3.6 cm/36mm. Then, my uterus balled up into a knot, as it frequently does, and the measurement dropped to 2.5ish cm/25mm. Once the contraction faded, my cervix lengthened back into the 3's. The technician was very amazed at this occurrence. We could hear her sharing my cervical story with another technician when we were leaving. I feel so honored!

A few weeks ago, I would have been a nervous wreck walking out of that office having seen those numbers. Not the case today. My guess...what we saw on the screen happens numerous times during any given day. All it did was further validate the fact that I do not have an incompetent cervix. It is holding strong despite frequent and strong contractions. So that is a positive. On the flip side, the contractions do change my cervix, even if only for a short time. We need to keep them under control so they don't push me over the threshold. ***Just a disclaimer...this paragraph is nothing but me interpreting what we saw and learned from today. But for the record, I am pretty sure Dr. B would agree with all of it. And Dr. Malone if that counts for anything?!?

So, bottom line. Still contracting daily, some pretty strong. But when I have 4 or more strong ones in an hour, I take a pill. Then I don't really talk about taking the pill because I am trying to play mind games with myself!!! My main prayer request is that I can continue to manage the contractions with meds at home. (I would also take it if they just stopped completely for an extended period of time but I don't want to sound too greedy...) And of course I want my cervix to keep up the good work!

To change the subject a bit. Physically, things are good. From a mental and emotional standpoint, I am also doing well. Sounds good in and of itself, right? Maybe. But, I find myself becoming "comfortable" again and that is not a place I really want to be. I'll try to explain.

Most people, including myself, have prayed for peace, faith, strength, hope, etc. for our family during this time. I do want to experience all the above and have on many occasions. Truth be known, I do not sit/lie around here stressed out and worrying all day long. I feel okay most of the time. However, that is where things get a little scary for me. There is fear in "comfort." Some days, I get so relaxed that I let my mind drift off in to the future and think..."this could really work...we could have a baby boy...I might need a car seat..." so on and so forth. This happened to me last time. Just when I started feeling confident we would have a little girl this summer, the rug was pulled out from under me. I opened my heart to the possibilities only to have it crushed once again. I SWORE I would not do that again. Slowly, but surely, I am doing it. With every good report, my guard drops a little. And who knows why. It is still very early. I am by no means "out of the woods." Technically, I am not even in the woods because we have yet to reach, my favorite word, viability.

What am I saying and why am I bothering to say it? Heck if I even know. I guess, I am struggling to find balance. When people call to talk and the future comes up, I tend to preface my sentences with one word, "if." "If we make it...if we have a baby..." Forgive me for sounding negative or pessimistic. It is only a useless attempt to protect myself from hurt and pain again. (which I already know it is ineffective) I feel safe when I use the "one day at a time" approach. That is biblical! And I am trying to work on my spiritual life!

Like my dynamic cervix (as it has been termed on several occasions) so it this post: all over the place! Sorry, to drag you through it all but this is what was on my mind today. It feels good to get it out. I will spare you with more for now but will try to post BEFORE next week. I have a few pathetic posts I have been saving up...

I feel like I exceeded the limit for use of parenthesis and quotation marks in one post...

6 comments:

kelly w said...

hip hip hooray for an update...and a good one at that! you just go ahead and play whatever mind games you need to about taking those pills. i know i would be over-analyzing the whole thing too if i were in your shoes! and i think some of what you are experiencing "if" wise is a fairly normal emotion for someone in healthcare. i'm always thinking about lung development milestones, etc. so maybe you can put that worry in the "normal" pregnancy thoughts/emotions catagory and make yourself feel a little better! i've had many friends tell me they were glad they weren't OT's after they heard me say things about decreased chances of brain bleeds, etc. anyway...not to get too crazy here! i am praying for your contractions to decrease and your baby to grow grow grow! and for the days to pass quickly as he continues to develop! thanks again for the update!

Anonymous said...

So, my prognosis...I give you an A+ on the mental status exam! No delusions, no hallucinations, no thoughts of harm to self or others...you are 100% normal, well as normal as can be considering present company via blog-central. You sound completely in the realm of where you should be from this rookie's perspective. I can't imagine the daily roller-coaster and analyzation you do everyday, but you are handling it with grace and courage, my friend! I am so proud of you and your good-ole uterus! XOXOXO- Jill

The Maguet's said...

Go, cervix, go! I am so glad it has decided to behave. You sound like you are in good spirits and I am happy to hear how well your doctor's appt went! I, too, love that little word "viability." You'll make it- hang in there just a while longer :)

gunner1151 said...

I know that you don't know us, personally - but we are Carina Fox's parents - Gary and Judi...
We have not stopped praying for you and your family - and just wanted you to know that there are so many prayers for you - as we have a group of people up in Buffalo NY (where we moved from last year) praying for you as well.
The beautiful song: "Day by Day....Day by Day..oh dear Lord, three things I pray...." always makes its way into our hearts as we pray for you...God Bless- the three of you.....

Carrie said...

23 weeks right!!! Praise the Lord! I am so happy for your uneventful week! My prayers for many to come!
Love,
Carrie

Carla and Daryl said...

wonderful that you had a good check up again. you are doing so well right now. it is totally understandable to not want to get too enthusiastic about anything but so hard not too. one day at a time is good and hope each new day provides another reason to smile with your pregnancy.