2 years

I found myself thinking, "I can't believe Caroline's 1st birthday is coming up." Then it hit me. This will be her 2nd birthday.

In some ways, it feels like two years have passed since she was born. At the same time, it feels like it was last week. It doesn't make sense. The days leading up to her birth are a blur. But the day she was born... If I close my eyes, I am taken back to that place. It feels like I am there

Initially, in the room next to the operating room; her still with me. I blink, and find myself in the operating room. She was coming so fast. The pain was the most intense I have ever felt in my life. I will never forget. I remember the sense of calm I felt once the epidural was placed. I laid there, staring up at the white ceiling, bright lights shining down on me. I do what I am told because I am completely numb. Physically. Mentally. The next thing I know, she is before me. My flesh and blood. She makes a tiny peep for us and is quickly rushed away to my left. I gaze back up to the ceiling and the bright lights, in a daze Why did it not occur to me to pray for her in that moment? Why did I need a reminder? I will never know. I can see Dr. Rojas approaching to tell us it was over. Despite their best attempts, she never stabilized. We agreed no further resuscitation should be performed. He brought her to our side. Said she was a beauty. She was. I remember asking him to take care of her. I could not be there to bath and dress her. She would be with someone else in the last moments of her life. She would take her last breath in the arms of someone else. I would not see her again until I was back in that room. The one next to the operating room. The room where I spent days trying to keep her safely inside. But this time, she was not with me.

I am blessed to know who held her when I could not be there. I am blessed to have a letter describing the last moments of my daughters life. I am blessed to know she was prayed over. I am blessed to know the sign of the cross was etched on her forehead. She was held. She was rocked. She was loved until she was placed back into my arms. How bittersweet it was to hold her in my arms, knowing it would be my first and last time to do so. If only time could stop...

Our time with Caroline was too short. Letting her go was one of the most difficult days of my life. But now, 2 years later, I can smile when I talk about her. My tears are few and far between. I think of her daily. But I am no longer paralyzed with anxiety and sorrow. I am happy. As hard as it is to confess, I can already see that good has come out of her death. And the death of her big sister.

My girls. They made an impact. If on no one else, they made an impact on their mother. For it is through their deaths that I have been changed forever. I will never be the same person again. Praise the Lord. I am a work in progress. God is slowly, but surely working on me. He used them to do so.

Happy Birthday to my second born child. My daughter. Sweet Caroline. You are ALWAYS in my heart. Thank you for blessing me with your life. A life that is helping truly save mine...

The footage...

Finally got the videos up...





I just love how he stops to make sure his balance is in check and then takes off again!! Pretty cute, my little mover!

Mondays with Crosby

At 11:24 am, Crosby Fox turned 1 year and 8 weeks old!!! Let me just go ahead and say it. I put way too many pictures in this post. But, I liked them. He just cracks me up, this boy! I couldn't narrow it down. Maybe it would be easier if I would post throughout the week rather than lazily waiting until Monday. I am working on changing. But that is...well...another post...

Let me minimize my words and just get to the pictures! Let's just say, someone inherited his mother's manners...

In case you didn't notice, I focused on the "problem" in the picture...

Yeah. Crosby and I both like to sit with our feet in our face! I have been told it is not very "lady like" on multiple occasions. Either that or I am just asked, "Is that comfortable?" And to that question I respond, "Why, yes! It is quite comfortable!!" Actually, my legs are in some kind of knot as I type. And I am oh so comfy! So what do you expect when Crosby has me for a role model? I guess I need to tell him this is not very...manly(????) like." Or maybe I need to lead by example and sit like a lady should... We had play group on Thursday. Taking a group shot gets harder and harder. My child was the wild one. He started out by trying to take Dean's goldfish when he thought no one was looking!!!

Then he see there are a few more distractions added to the mix so he shoves one in his mouth...

And found this to be VERY amusing!!! (Leighton, Dean, Crosby, Lucas and Charlotte)

Then he darted! So much for a good group shot!!!

He was exhausted SOOOO exhausted from playing that I struggled to keep him awake on the way home. I put him in his bed first thing when we arrived. I walked in a few hours later to find him dressed like this... What in the world??? What kind of dream was this kid having? All I know for sure is Crosby has apparently learned to take off half of a shirt! He had his pants off another day this week! I am afraid the diaper will be next...YIKES!!!!!
Last night we celebrated Baby Blessing Sunday with the Cyr and Malone families! I can't believe it has been a year since we did the same. Miss Charlotte was a tiny bun in the oven way back then!!! Here is a group shot...

Crosby and I spent the majority of the service out in the lobby foyer! He absolutely could not sit still. I did manage to see a few pictures and hear a few names called out! I am just grateful we were able to be there with Jeremy, Anne Claire and Charlotte on this special occasion!

Just the 3 of us...

Me and my little man...

Somebody is now tall enough to look out the window. He LOVES to point to the SUV (usually parked on the road) and say, "uck." Sometimes we get a "caaaa."
Then... it is Ready.......Set.........

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

I finally caught him in action and it's about time!!! He has not been willing to cooperate with me in the capturing of this momentous milestone!!! I am not sure why the hesitation. But he is still being pretty stingy with his steps! We had a small group meet at our house on Wednesday. There were 3 kiddos who are older than him who were walking all over the place. I think he was a little embarrassed so he bit the bullet and took off! When he didn't have an audience the next day, he decided to crawl again. But we are seeing him up on his feet more and more every day. His confidence is slowly building.

Well, I had some footage but it was taking way to long to upload! So, maybe I will just save that for Tuesday. Which is now only 7 minutes away. Lovely!

This was just before bed. Crosby was "all done" before Blake and I were finished eating... imagine that!!! I let him down and he head straight to his toys. I don't know why I thought this was so sweet, but it melts my heart...

He is such a sweet thing. He could just sit and play like this all day long. Well, okay, maybe only 30 minutes or so. But that is still pretty long for a 1 year old! And what an adorable 1 year old he is...

Mondays with Crosby

At 11:24 am, Crosby Fox turned 1 year and 7 weeks old!!! We weren't expecting to spend the day together. It was supposed to be my first full day of work. Non-orientation work, that is. Mother nature had other plans...snow! We didn't think it would be safe for Lulu to drive up this morning so I had to call out on my first day back! Let me just say I did not mind staying put with my little man. And what a man he thinks he is...

I'm not sure who he was talking to at this point. This may have been when he tried to call and check up on Margaret...

It never fails that his chubby, little thumb manages to hit the unlock button every time. Unfortunately, this leaves it possible for him to text or call whom ever he pleases!!! "Hello?"

"Awww. That was her voicemail. She must be napping!"

Just like his mama, he forgot the mail doesn't run on President's Day! Fortunately for him, his mailbox is INSIDE the house. His mama didn't remember it was a holiday until she was OUTSIDE, freezing her tush off...

When I looked in the backside of his mailbox, I saw the sweetest thing...

It was Crosby making his way over to Nugget, who was resting peacefully at the bottom of the stairs...Are they adorable or what?

I kept trying to point out the snow to Crosby. Every time I did, he would point to the vehicle parked on the side of the street and say, "Caaa." Still obsessed with motor vehicles! He doesn't seem too impressed by the snow anymore. Much like his mama. Though I am thrilled it allowed me to spend the day with him! Am I really going to be able to work a few days a month???

Crosby has a stubborn streak going right now. He is holding out on you BIG time! As of last Wednesday, Crosby took his first steps!!!! We have tried and tried to get it on video, but he flat out refuses. Right now, he will only do it when he wants to! Cameras and Flip Video cameras are not allowed! So you will just have to take my word for it. The most we have seen is 7 or 8 steps on Sunday. It is usually just 2 or 3 steps before he drops to his knees. My guess, he will be running in a matter of time. Let him take his time. Fine by me. It just allows me to continue along in my state of denial. "Heavens no he can't walk!!!! He is a tiny baby..."

The other mess on our hands is this head of hair. Good grief. What do you do with hair at this stage? Do we start using real shampoo and conditioner? We are still using the baby stuff. And let me go ahead and say that gel and hairspray are NOT options!! :)

Granted, the hair in back went haywire after his nap. But the top always seems to stick straight up!

Hey, at least there is hair to stick out in every direction! He could be bald!

New do

I think it is becoming...

Don't you???

Mondays with Crosby

At 11:24 am, Crosby Fox turned 1 year and 6 weeks old!!! At least I think that is right anyway! The past week...hmmmm. If you look at my camera, you would assume it was an uneventful week. That's not really the case though. We were pretty busy. I just didn't take many pictures of our activities. I think I am figuring out the problem. He moves now. It is getting harder and harder to take pictures of a moving target while keeping said target from injuring himself. He's pretty fast. No, not on his feet. Just on those hands and knees, which continues to be fine with me! So these are the best I've got!

On Tuesday, we made our trek to Calvert's for Crosby's final panel picture. Needless to say, I have relaxed a little on having his pictures made the day he turns 3/6/9/12 months! Seeing how he was greater than 13 months the day of his picture. I will say a slight delay was intentional due to his forever long cold. I didn't want a snotty nose in his 12 month picture. But he hasn't been snotty for weeks now, thank goodness!!!

Of course he had another outfit made my Lulu....



Blake got to make the trip this time. I think he was shocked to see the place and how quickly the photo shot went. **Please note the wispy hairs growing off the right side of my head...we will revisit that...**

On Thursday, I helped give a shower for a very special girl. Jill is going to be having a baby girl. She will be Ann Cortner! We are VERY excited for Jill and Billy and can't wait to meet their little one! You may know Jill as the Ultimate Commenter. And that she is. I would put up a picture of Jill but I am fairly certain she would never forgive me for posting a picture of the banner we had made especially for the shower... I just leave it at that. You just let me know, Jill. I will post it if you'd like!!! ;)

These were the only 2 fellas that made an appearance at the big event. Perd and Crosby spent a few hours together so I could do something other than chase Crosby around all night!

Boy, he was happy to be surrounded by a room full of women. Especially Miss Charlotte!!!

Friday night, we left Crosby behind and spent the evening with all of Blake's cousins and their wives/husbands. Too bad Sarah Jane and Craig had to take off before we could take the picture!! We had a great time hanging out with everyone...
We went to a Super Bowl party last night. I had the camera with me. I had intentions of taking pictures for this very reason. Yet, I took not a one!

So, here we are tonight! Our kitchen is hardly big enough for 2 people to work in. We manage to squeeze in 2 more "helpers" every night. One waits impatiently for any and every crumb that may hit the floor. The other likes to pull all utensils out of the cabinet! Such helpful "helpers"...

And I had to snap a few pictures of the wild man after his bath. We can hardly keep him still long enough to lotion him up, apply Desitin as needed, secure a diaper and put on PJ's. He hates being still these days and has really started to protest. We have just started following him will all the equipment mentioned above just to avoid a fit. These are the sort of G rated pictures. Blake said no cracks were allowed...although it is the cutest bum I have ever seen...

Ripping diapers off the shelf!!

Sitting in the pile of diapers...Threw off his towel and headed in the opposite direction! Oh, this child. All boy. And I am thinking he is going to a very strong willed boy! Great! I think I feel a separate post coming. Yea, I do. So all you mom's get ready to offer advice... :)

**Back to those wispy hairs... So weird, those hairs. It is like they appeared out of no where. I woke up one morning and thought Blake had cute bangs in my sleep!!! I mean, couldn't he just tell me he wanted me to have bangs? He says that didn't happen. But, seriously, I woke up with a patch of baby hairs growing on either side of my head. I have heard it happens after pregnancy but never experienced it in the past and assumed I was spared. Guess not!!