Most folks use some form of calender to remind them of important events in life. A desk calender, a wall calendar, a computer or a phone. We use something to remember anniversaries, weddings, meetings, birthdays, vacations, appointments and holidays. Things we would not want to forget.
If you were to glance at the side of our fridge to the Mary Engelbreit calendar hanging by a magnet, it would seem as if today holds no significance in our life. Our calender is blank on June 17th. Nothing has been written. Strangely enough, I can see two words clearly written, "Baby Due!!!"
The first thing I did when we got an official due date for Finley was flip to August 16th and write in big, bold letters "Baby Due!!!" I did not want to forget that date! (Even though I am pretty sure that would not have happened!) But when August came and she did not, the words I had written remained. It was all I could see when I looked at the month of August. Should I white them out? Should I scratch through them? I couldn't bear to see the words day after day. So, last year, I went straight from July to September, in an attempt to spare myself the daily visual reminder of what would not be. I preferred to occasionally lift the July page to make sure I didn't miss anything or anyone important in August! It was just easier that way and it worked.
I never had the courage to fill in Caroline's due date on this years M.E. calendar. Even though I never believed it would happen again, what if it did? It felt like a jinx that I wanted to avoid. It presumed too much. It would be there even if the baby was not and I didn't want to go through that again. At least that was my rationale.
I have talked myself out of really believing that Caroline was due today by saying,"Technically, they would have taken her at 39 weeks." That would have been a week ago. June 1oth. But that just happened to be our anniversary. So, for the sake of celebrating our anniversary, I convinced myself that an induction date was never set and the 10th didn't count either.
Basically, I have been attempting to avoid Caroline's due date in any way possible. But the mind games have not worked. I am well aware that we would be celebrating the birth of our child by now had the events of February not taken place.
When I look at the calendar, there are dates and months that have taken on a new "significance" for me. Some are harder to get through than others. To list them out:
February-We lost Caroline
April- We lost Finley
June- Caroline was due
August- Finley was due
September- Caroline was conceived
October- We learned we were pregnant with Caroline
November- Finley was conceived
December- We learned we were pregnant with Finley
Eight out of 12 months have some sort of milestone to the life and death of our girls. Please know that I do not sit and dwell on this stuff. Sure, it crosses my mind every now and then. Especially when a significant date rolls around. I think this is just part of pregnancy. Your calendar changes the minute you learn the big news. "I will be 13 weeks when we go on the cruise...Blake can't go to the AVMA conference because that is only 1 month from my due date...I am having a shower on...The baby will be 6 weeks when we go to... so on and so forth..." Every moment from the positive test on revolves around pregnancy and the birth of a baby. It is hard to change 20+ weeks of thinking and planning when the outcome is not as expected.
If I am honest, the anticipation of significant dates is much worse than the dates themselves, most of the time. Today was not a bad day. We bought and Blake planted a new Laurel in the front yard because one of our transplants bit the dust. We had a great lunch of leftovers from J. Alexanders. We drove out to Montgomery Bell State Park to play 18 holes. Well, I drove/rode while Blake played. It was a beautiful day to be outside, enjoying time off together. After dinner with friends and a little guitar hero, the day was basically over. We made it through another date. Not a tear was shed. There was little discussion about what might of been. We chose not to go there.
I am grateful for peace today. I am glad that today was not filled with sorrow. By the grace of God, this date was pretty good. But, I am glad it is over!
4 comments:
I'm grateful for your peace. I've been praying for you this week... more than usual.
Dear Danielle,
I do not pretend to understand how you get through every single day on a calendar but it seems to me that you have the most positive attitude for what you have gone through.
I just pray that every day you will feel God's love and know that others love you. It seems to me that you do feel God's comfort and love and that you and Blake have a trust in God that others just wish that they had.
Thanks for giving us an idea of how you have dealt with such loss.
Loving your children so deeply cannot be forgotten quickly.
It will be very interesting to see what you have to say a year from now.
Keep strong.
Love, Ginger
danielle, you should really write a book and publish it for others who have gone through similar things. they can really learn from you how to cope and lean on god and find peace. i love to read your blogs because you have such a unique way about you and expressing yourself. you keep me engaged in everything you write about. i am thankful for your peace today. love you!! carla
Danielle- Your words ring so true. I am so grateful to you and your willingness to share your experience so honestly, so openly. You are, by far, one of the most courageous women I have ever been privileged to meet. I want you to know that while writing those difficult words might have been good for you to "get things off your chest", they are very therapeutic for me, also. I understand the whole "date thing" and can empathize with the need to just "skip a month." I used the exact same technique in dealing with our, very similar, situation. I am so sorry that you have had to experience this pain, not only once, but twice. No words can express how badly my heart hurts for you and your family. Just know, that through your experience and your willingness to share, you have touched my life in a way I never thought possible. Maybe we should put our heads together, when I move back to Ky in December, and write a pamphlet that could be given to women in the same situation to take home with them from the hospital after similar experiences. I know that I went YEARS feeling as though I had experienced something that no other person ever did, until I met you. Please know that the dates you listed will be forever etched onto my calendar and I will be remembering you and your precious babies always. Love and prayers...
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