Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Here comes Crosby Cottontail...

Hoppin' down the bunny trail, hippity hoppin' Easter's on its way!!!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Mondays with Crosby

At 11:24 am, Crosby Fox turned 1 year and 13 weeks old!!! Actually, today is his 15 month birthday! Good night. Did we not JUST have a 1 year birthday? I am thinking this year is going by faster than the last one!?!

Since last Monday, Mr. Temper has shown his face a few times. This prompted me to buy James Dobson's book, Dare to Discipline. I needed to finish another book before I could start reading it though. Wouldn't you know as soon as I was done and was ready to learn from Dr. Dobson, Mr. Temper disappeared and left my sweet baby boy in his place! Now that is what I had in mind! By the book and the boy fixes himself! Parenting is so easy... I jest! But really, Crosby has been such a little angel the past few days. Not that Mr. Temper is even that bad, but I want to keep him in check, with visits few and far between! Feel free to offer any other suggestions!

Crosby has been stretched to his limits the past few days. Oddly enough, that was when he was on his best behavior. We had a friend come to town and hang out with Blake a few days. Maybe Cros was showing out for Brian! The guys had lots of guy plans so the little man and I went to Columbia for a visit on Saturday. He refused to nap, once again. Only this time, he refused an actual crib. I am pretty sure we can't carry on OR check his crib on the plane when we take our vacation in May. Thank goodness (for the sake of the rest of the family) we have our own room. We may just let Crosby have our room to himself while we stay with someone else! ;)

Sunday we had church and then met up with the family for lunch. This meant no nap for Cros. Despite being tired, he was in great spirits. He and Charlotte are really enjoying each other's presence. It helps when you are both of an age where you can actually acknowledge the presence of someone other than yourself!!



"Hey!?! How are you doing that?"

Sweet cousins...

Looking out the window...
Still working on tooth number 7 and tooth number 8...

Hanging out with Perd...
But when we got in the car, there was no denying it. Somebody was sooooo tired...
So tired you could take bubba out of his mouth and his mouth didn't move!

That was until I pointed out a truck...

And then he just stared at me. Trying to figure out why I wouldn't just let him fall asleep...

"Maybe if I don't look at her she will quit taking my picture."

"Or if I can just grab that camera out of her hand. That will stop her."

So I used a singing and dancing bunny whose ears kept flapping in his face!!!

Which seemed to do the trick!

He won't transfer from the car to his bed so I had to keep him awake while Blake drove home. I rarely sit in the back with him but I love it when I do. It is also the perfect time to snap a few pictures of that adorable little face with those blue/green eyes. The 5 point harness serves many purposes!!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Answer

*sorry if you are seeing this a million times on reader. I started this in February and forgot to paste it to a new post last night. I didn't want to receive hate mail from those who couldn't find it!!!*

This post has been in my head for a while. It is not one that can be thrown together in 30 minutes. There are no cute pictures to attach. There is no video to share. Proof reading is required because deep and raw emotion is attached to each word.

I think about it often and find the subject crosses my mind more and more these days. I have shared openly with a few friends and family members. But I have been holding back here. Not for the majority of the folks who read. I have kept quiet for the ones I don't know about. The ones who stumble across my page because they are in the initial stages of grief and loss of a child. Those who are longing for the chance to have just one child. I want to be sensitive to that person because I know what it is like to be that person. May I never forget what it is like to be that person. That being said,

I know I have been blessed.

A few people have asked. Others just wonder. Will we ever try again? It may take me a while to get there, but I will try my best to answer that question.

I think it is pretty apparent that I am completely and madly in love with Crosby Fox. He "hung the moon" in my little world. The joy he brought into my life the day he was born is indescribable; like nothing I have ever known. The day he was born is a day I could relive over and over and over and never tire of repeating. It is hard to believe that day was over 14 months ago. Imagining him at 5 pounds and 10 ounces is nearly impossible. I don't recall the sleepless nights being all that bad. Pumping 8-12 times a day wasn't all that time consuming, was it? It is hard to believe there was a time he didn't smile voluntarily. In my mind's eye, his voice has always been. And I am pretty sure he was born walking. The farther time moves away from December 29th, 2008, the more my heart misses my little baby and longs to hold another again.

I know I have been blessed.

I always wanted to be a mother. As a child, I imagined having my perfect little family. Naive, all I thought about was having a boy and a girl, in that order. And maybe we would throw in a third if the first 2 were the same gender. Health was assumed. Any other outcome would not happen to me. My fairytale to motherhood did not include giving birth to a child that died before she was born. While I achieved my "title", the story it depicted was nothing short of a tragedy. Yet in some ways, the tragedy made my desire to mother a child grow even stronger. The intense longing I felt made it easy to try again. I could push away the pain, fear and doubt and focus on the future that would have to include joy. I had suffered enough.

I never imagined my second attempt to truly experience motherhood would mean hearing my daughter gasp for breath. Followed by silence. Any dream of being a mother that remained was shattered the moment her life on earth was over. Becoming a mother brought me nothing but heartache and sorrow. I didn't think I would ever muster up the courage to try again. My heart was broken. My dream was over.

I know I have been blessed.

Crosby was formed without my knowledge. Without my consent, if you will. Though, clearly, that thought makes no sense. I was not ready or willing to lose another child. I did not care to visit the labor and delivery unit at Baptist Hospital only to return home empty handed. There was no doubt in my mind that we would lose that pregnancy. Therefore, I did not want to be pregnant. Yet, there was a bigger plan for our lives. One greater than my mind could have ever imagined. How grateful I am to know that my consent was not required for God's plan to be carried out. For had He asked, fear would have kept me from receiving the most precious gift I have ever been given. I would have missed out on knowing Crosby. That was not the case. By the mercy and grave of God, our story finally had the "happy ending" I had been longing to experience.

I know I have been blessed.

The joy I now know can almost make me forget the mental and spiritual battle I fought during the 32 weeks I knew I was pregnant with Crosby. The daily anxiety evoked by feeling contraction after contraction after contraction no longer stands out in my mind. In the end, to have Crosby makes every bit of the struggle worth it. He makes me think it is worth it to try again. But to expand our family would mean being willing to write a new chapter. One that may not end the way we would choose. There would be no question if we were guaranteed another happy ending. Like most families seem to do, we would decide how far apart in age we would like our children to be and go from there. I would toss Mirena aside and say,"whatever happens, happens!" But for me, to do that seems so selfish. With my medical history, I feel I am not afforded freedom to throw caution to the wind. Or is that just my excuse for being held back by fear? I don't know. That is what I am trying to discern right now.

I know I have been blessed.

When I think about growing our family, so many "what ifs" come to mind. There are a handful of scenarios I think of most often:

  • I could have a first trimester miscarriage.
  • I could have another second trimester miscarriage, occurring before the baby is viable, giving him/her no chance of survival.
  • I could have a child born at a viable age (24+ weeks) and he/she could die before making it to the NICU.
  • I could have a child born at a viable age (24+ weeks) and he/she could spend months in the NICU and survive, only to have multiple, long term disabilities due to prematurity.
  • I could have a child born at a viable age (24+ weeks) and he/she would spend months in the NICU and survive with minimal or even no long term disabilities.
  • I could carry a baby to term, or close to it, after months of bed rest, medication and hospitalization.
  • Given a nice long break between pregnancies and prepared with the information we now know about my body, I could carry a baby to term with little to know problem at all.

The list could go on and on and on. I could "what if" this topic until I am blue in the face. But so could every other person who is considering having a child. There is risk with every pregnancy. However, knowing what we do about my body's ability to carry a child, I feel it would irresponsible of me NOT to think of the possibilities. It would be selfish to only consider our needs and wants. We also have to think about our family and friends. Blake and I are not the only people who would be affected by a desire to grow our family. It nearly took an entire community to help bring Crosby safely into this world. Now that he is here, it is my responsibility to care for him on a daily basis. How can I do that while lying on a couch or in a bed for 4-5 months? How can I ask others to help raise this precious gift I was given?

At times, fear of the unknown makes me want to say I am done. But what if God has different plans for us? What if He wants me to lay my fear at His feet and trust Him in our family planning? Kind of like He forced me to do in the past.

One thing I know for sure. I have been blessed. We have been given exceedingly more than we "need" or deserve. Crosby is one of the most precious gifts I have ever received and I am striving to cherish each and every moment with him. If he is the only biological child I have the privilege of raising on this earth, I will be happy. But if the Lord's plan includes carrying another child, it would thrill my soul to experience that joy once again.

I say all of this knowing that ultimately, this is not our decision at all. Dr. B is willing to walk with us down any path we choose. While he anticipates any future pregnancy will be similar to our last, he does not know what our future holds. Like us, he knows the this will be decided by the Giver of Life. And it is He who will decide the future of our family. I am more than happy to submit to His will, whatever that may be. I have no plans to move forward in this area until I feel Him guide me in one direction or the other. For now, we will keep living this life to the fullest with Crosby Fox, believing, without a shadow of doubt, that we have indeed been blessed.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Mondays with Crosby

At 11:24 am, Crosby Fox turned 1 year and 12 weeks old!!! Funny that we celebrated my birthday a little more this week. We just let him think it was his birthday again. He was thrilled to eat birthday cake again. In fact, he was more interested the second time around!

I kind of forgot about my birthday once this week got started. I am not sure what I was thinking, but I volunteered to work Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Our friend, LeAnne, watched him Wednesday and Friday. My dad took the job on Thursday. Of course, Crosby was fine while I was away. I, on the other hand, missed the little booger! He was asleep when I left for work and was a crab by the time I got home at 5:45. He was ready to eat and go to bed and I didn't even have dinner started! By Friday, I was done. I knew I was blessed to have the opportunity to stay home with my little one. But, after last week, I appreciate it even more. Being a working momma is hard to balance for 3 days. I can't imagine doing it 5 days a week.



We had special visitors Thursday afternoon. Crosby got to spend some time with his cousins, Sam and Gid, who happened to be in town...
Crosby was being a little crabby and they were trying to figure out what the problem was...
But you give the boy his books, and he is fine again!


On Friday, Chad drove his motorcycle over to the house. Crosby had never seen a helmet and was very interested. So I put it on for him...

And then he acted like he wanted to put it on...

But it kinda scared him...
And he quickly pushed it off...

Saturday night we had a bit of a scare. Crosby went to bed around 7:30, as usual. I put him in his bed, said good night and shut his door. Around 10:00, we heard him cry out. It happens every now and then. Typically I can stick his bubba in his mouth and that is the end of that. But this time was different. His cry was very serious. It almost seemed he was in pain. I got him out of the bed and put him in my lap but he did not want to be held. At the same time, he was limp. He couldn't sit up and wouldn't open his eyes. He just kept crying. I started to get worried and yelled for Blake to come up to his room. We took his PJs off thinking we would take his temp but he did not feel warm at all. We walked him downstairs and kept trying to calm him down. He still had not opened his eyes. By this time, I am in tears and am ready to call the pediatrician or head to the ER. Blake was trying to calm both of us down. After a few more minutes, we started to think he was having a bad dream. I was able to use a truck to distract him a little. We took him back upstairs and sat him in the floor only to have him curl up in a little ball and try to go back to sleep. We put his PJs back on and put him back in bed. He acted like nothing ever happened and was out like a light. At that point, I was an emotional mess and continued to cry like a little baby for a while longer. I just can't describe how pitiful he looked and sounded. The fact that he was limp scared me to death. After searching on the internet, I am pretty sure it was a night terror. Let me just say I was pretty terrorized myself after the whole ordeal and am hoping these don't become a regular occurrence!


On Sunday, we celebrated my birthday and Gid's birthday at Bucca with the Malone's, minus Jason. Gid was pretty excited about his gifts and Sam was there to help...

Waiting so patiently to blow out his candles. How sweet that he was even practicing!!! Crosby couldn't wait for me to blow out my candles. He just started digging right in!!!



Me and my boy...

I tried to get a good one of Blake and Crosby but somebody had to take a call...

The girls...

Minus the little one who slept through the entire meal!!!

There will be no working for me this week and I couldn't be happier!!! This Monday the little guy and I had some catching up to do. Errands to run. Blood to be drawn and shipped for research! That gave us an excuse to stop in and see Dr. B. It was the first time he had seen Crosby since he was 3 months old! Dr. B seems to think Mr. Cros looks like his momma! We are hearing more of that these days. I have seen Dr. B a couple of times this week. We had a nice talk. Since I have been asked the question a lot lately, maybe I will share the answer! I've had something in the works for a while. I just need to sit down and finish it. We'll aim for Friday and see if it happens. Deadlines work most of the time...

Monday, March 15, 2010

Mondays with Crosby

At 11:24 am, Crosby Fox turned 1 year and 11 weeks old! And at some point today, I turned... well...never mind. Let's just say we both hit milestones this Monday and I'll leave it at that! :)

Man have we had a crazy week! It all started Wednesday when Crosby and I packed up the car and headed to Memphis. My friend, Veronica, invited us to spend a few days with her and her 4 kiddos while her husband was on a mission trip. We thought it sounded fun and made plans to take our first little road trip without Blake. We had a great time. Crosby loved playing with the big kids. He took advantage of their flat driveway and cul-de-sac. The child nearly wore out the pavement while attempting to perfect his walking skills...
Then he decided he wanted to play in the dirt. And maybe see if it tasted any good. I didn't think it was such a good idea. He disagreed...
He still managed to prove he is all boy and got pretty dirty!
At least he looked pretty cute doing it!
This was our attempt at a serious shot of the kiddos...
And here is the "silly" one...which the big kids clearly enjoyed. Crosby didn't quite get it...
Crosby, once again, did not sleep well in the pack-n-play. He slept with me for portions of Wednesday and Thursday nights. Needless to say, he got more "sleep" than I did. I am thinking I need to REALLY pad up the bottom next time...if there is a next time. It probably didn't help that I left the bumpers at home this time, hoping that we were beyond pack n play issues. Clearly we are not!
We got back here Friday around lunch. I let Crosby take a nap in his own bed before getting in the car again and heading to Columbia. My mom's church has an event every year called Wonderful Weekend for Women. I'm not scared to admit it. I reverted to a starstruck 12 year old when we got to hear Candace Cameron Bure, aka D.J. Tanner, speak on Friday night and Saturday morning. I was THIS close to having my picture taken with her. But I just couldn't... She was really a great speaker, leaving me with lots to think about!!!
While I was at the conference, Crosby was hanging out with Pop. Crosby had noooo trouble sleeping Friday night in the crib they got for him! That just confirms it is not necessarily sleeping away from home that is the problem. The pack n play must be uncomfortable...
I met with my old coworkers last night after small group so I wasn't here to put Crosby to bed. When I went to get him this morning and change his diaper, I was a little confused by this...
I could swear the zipper on his PJs usually go straight down the front of his body...
And they usually don't twist around his waist...
Or around his backside, with the foot pointing backwards!!! I won't name any names, but someone managed to really botch the donning of his PJs!!! Good thing I am an OT and can work on this... Poor Crosby kept tripping because the right leg of his PJs was so tight! I could only leave them on long enough to snap a few pictures for your viewing pleasure!
Things only got worse from there...
Apparently we no longer like oatmeal for breakfast! We have only been eating it for months now. I eat the same thing every morning so I am not sure why this is a big deal!?!? Now, if you take this little man to Pancake Pantry and order chocolate chip pancakes, he eats half the plate! We met Melissa and Margaret for birthday brunch and they were pretty happy!!!
He was all smiles tonight when we met up with my family to celebrate "my big day"...
I tried my best to get a good picture of him with my parents. Good grief. Can we not all look at one time, please??????
So I gave up and figured we could all use our imaginations and come up with the perfect picture in our heads!!!
We ended the night with another attempt at using the jets...
Things were going well...
Crosby was having a blast...
That was, until I saw the face. You know the face I am talking about. The one that indicates somebody's britches are about to be full!!!!! You know the face... Yea, that one. Only he had on no britches. By the time I realized what was happening, it was too late. So, Blake took him to his tub while I graciously cleaned up the mess!! And to think just last week I was thinking to myself, "Maybe we will get lucky and he will never poo in the tub"!! Why did I allow myself to go there???? I am thinking this is a sign that we should get the big tub a break for a while...

And I will leave you with a bedtime video from a few weeks ago. He looks REALLY sleepy...

video
We have to rewind and watch 17-21 ish seconds over and over again because his face cracks us UP!!!! Believe it or not, he went straight to sleep!